Hard Work

I have a wonderful state of the art Laptop with a Core2 Duo microprocessor which can process billions of instructions in a second.
However, since I am facing a mental block, all I am doing is stare at the screen. And all this machine is doing is blinking the cursor.

Apparently, the computational efforts required to blink the cursor location was so tiring that in an hour, all the batteries were drained and the machine was exhausted and went for hibernation.

I wonder how many of us face the same situation in real life…. we possess immense potential and can perform miracles, but our masters and bosses trust with with only routine, menial and repetitive work. So in spite of achieving nothing productive, we feel exhausted at the end of the day.

Elaborate funeral

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral.
A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.
The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter –
when all eyes stared at him, he said
“I’m sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral – I’m a gynecologist”.

The proctologist then fainted.
—

BTW: watch this amazing shadow dance.

Some Facts of LIFE

The Best Day – TODAY

Hardest Thing To Do – TO BEGIN

The Greatest Handicap – FEAR

Easiest Thing To Do – FINDING FAULTS

Most Useless Asset – PRIDE

Most Useful Asset – HUMILITY

The Greatest Mistake – GIVING UP

The Greatest Stumbling Block – EGOTISM

The Greatest Comfort – WORK WELL DONE

Most Disagreeable Person – THE COMPLAINER

Worst Bankruptcy – LOSS OF ENTHUSIASM

Greatest Need – COMMON SENSE

Meanest Feeling – REGRET AT ANOTHER’S SUCCESS

Best Gift – FORGIVENESS

The Hardest And Most Painful To Accept – DEFEAT

The Greatest Moment – DEATH

The Greatest Knowledge – EXPERIENCE

The Greatest Thing – LOVE

The Greatest Success In The World – PEACE OF MIND!!!

Stage Fright

Jerry Seinfeld talks in his stand-up routine about a survey that claims the number one fear of Americans is “public speaking”. Number two is “death”. His conclusion is that at a funeral, more people would rather be in the casket than deliver the eulogy.
Here’s Why:
—
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the
pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.

If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”

So next Sunday he took the Monsignor’s advice. At the beginning of the
sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a
storm.

Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note
on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don’t gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior
and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don’t
say he was stoned off his ass.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.”

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, “Take this
and eat it for it is my body.” He did not say “Eat me”

12. The Virgin Mary is not called “Mary with the Cherry,”

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks
for the grub, yeah God.

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter’s,
not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.

ROFL

While watching Shrek, I was just thinking: “Aren’t the online life exactly like living in a animated fantasy?”
“Is internet for real, or is it some dream world?”

You type ROFL all the time on internet, but when was the last time you heard of someone literally “Rolling on the floor and laughing”?
In the safety of our cyber cafes, how often do you use expressions and words which you know you would have never said had you have met the person face to face in real life?

When you meet someone on the internet, exactly whom are you meeting?
1) the real real life him/her,
2) the person which the other person thinks he/she is,
3) the person what your acquaintance wants to be?
4) or what that other person wants to be?

I think Internet is a place which is similar to a dream, because you are what you want to be. Yet it is unique because now a dream is one man’s fantasy… while internet is a collaboration of the fantasy of a million souls.
What do you think?

image source

Financial Planning

I was giving my regular financial advice to a friend of mine when I happened to ask him under whose name does he invest?
and to my surprise he said in the name of the sole Bread-Winner.

So I inquired around and asked other folks who are married to a housemaker and to my surprise I found very few of them actually did a regular investment in the spouses name. I wonder why?

The reason why I would invest in my spouse’s name would be:
1) Indian marriages are more or less stable and wives are more tolerant… so the risk is low.
2) In case of an premature demise, all unsecured loans would be settled against the assets owned by the male member… the spouse’s money cannot be touched. That way you can secure a decent living for your family.
3) Over time your investments are going to grow by leaps and bounds.

eg: the rent from a small 800sqfeet apartment can easily by 12k pm which is a salary in itself.
So by dividing your income over different members of the households you can save a lot on tax, and also prevent yourself hitting the highest IT Bracket and surcharges. Personal tax exemption limit enjoyed by a male taxpayer is Rs 1.10 lakh (Rs 110,000), while it is Rs 1.45 lakh (145,000) in the case of women taxpayers.

4) As per the IT Law, you can claim IT rebate only on 2 houses during your entire lifetime. However if your housewife is also an IT payer (because of rental, interest, stock market income) you can claim it double the number of times.

 

Password

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, the computer advised him that he would now need to enter a password. Something that he will use to log on.

The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife’s attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious what he was entering by stating each letter out loud as he typed……

P….
E….
N….
I….
S….

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:

*** PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH ***

Ban on VoIP Phones

Technology is an enabler. It changes lives and enables a person to undertake feats which seem impossible. Who would have believed that:
1) Poor Fishermen in Kerala have increased their earnings by as high as 35% by checking the latest prices on a cell phone.
2) This poor illiterate daily wage earner can find a second job by just pressing a few buttons.
3) You no longer have to go through traffic jams because u can telecommute.

– Image by

We have seen similar trends in Banking, Insurance, Postal, Airlines etc… the rich man’s luxury has become a common man’s necessity. The day government allows private operators to operate, there is a revolution. However, when the government operates, it screws the public by providing sub-standard service, it screws the tax payer by pissing away our hard earned money. The best thing the government should do is allow private operators, impose Social Obligation Norms (serving the poor and underdeveloped regions) and charge huge licenses fee, Income tax and use that money for social development.

All around the globe people have started throwing off their copper wire and switched to fiber optics. It allows the operators to sell a wide variety of services like Gigabit broadband, video telephones, IPTv etc etc. But no, Government won’t allow these services in India because the official reason is: “Indian Masses are not prepared for VoIP and digital telephone technology”
Who are you to decide what is good for me?

But then logic and government do not go hand in hand. Thanks to Government, we still rely on Morse Code and have a Telegraph network. Telephone is very important for a nation…. It connects and unites the nation, but why would the government care. If the masses got VoIP access, who would use its outdated BSNL services?

If a private company uses unfair to control the market and kill the competition MRTP (monopolies and restricted trade practices) Act is invoked. I wonder if a similar thing exists for government?

Trade Deficit

“The balance of trade (or net exports, NX) is the difference between the monetary value of exports and imports in an economy over a certain period of time.”

Like RBI and Ministry of Foreign trade recently published
“The trade deficit for April- March, 2007 was estimated at US $ 56738.77 million”

A reader’s first First Reaction would be:
At one time 70% of India’s population was in agriculture, yet we had to import Wheat to feed to masses.
Today the rising negative balance of trade and fiscal deficit prove that Indian population cannot make their both ends meet.
So in spite of all the India Sining hype, actually are our trade deficit (in USD terms) and our trade Deficit is rising. India is squandering off its future incomes… and robbing its next generation.

But these statistics are misleading…. One thing I love about Indian Babu’s is that they systematically and deliberately remove the relevance out of every statistics they publish.
eg: The entire calculations conveniently omitted out India’s 2 largest export categories:
1) Export of Human Labor (Remittances accounted for $23 billion in 2004… and government was too lazy to publish any statistics after that)
2) Export of Services (IT/BPO story)

All I am saying is “let us not compile numbers just for the sake of statistics but to derive some meaning out of it.”
1) Tell me for a nation how does it matter whether its citizens earn their foreign exchange by shipping containers through our already clogged ports or by transmitting photons via data cables?
2) When will we accept the fact that the family makes a considerable investment in rearing a child for 20 years, and remittances is a genuine payment for these services (I agree that no kid can ever payback for the trouble he gave to his parents, but by sending money home the guilt gets mitigated)

eg: China accounts for potato consumption whenever it publishes its statistics on Per Capita availability of Food Grains. The logic is simple, a large percentage of population living living in harsh weather use potato as a source of carbohydrates esp. starch.
Similarly why can’t we make our trade deficit figures more meaningful?

Bubba’s Assholes

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together.
Daryl arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Daryl said, “Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better roll him over.”

The mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said, “Nope, ain’t Bubba.”

The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at the body and said, “Yup, he’s pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.”

The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, “No, it ain’t Bubba.”

The mortician asked, “How can you tell?”

Gomer said, “Well, Bubba had two assholes.”

“What? He had two assholes?!” said the mortician.

“Yup, everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, ‘Here comes Bubba with them two assholes.'”